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“Hold the bahbee” and Dahi/Thayir Vada
August 13, 2009 | 39 Comments
… with built-in salad.
I’ve got Net-fatigue. I don’t feel like visiting any blogs, or writing any posts myself. Plus, I was shocked to read Sunita’s post. You will be missed and cherished, my friend. We wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.
I got a few requests for the recipe for dahi vada (lentil dumplings in yogurt sauce) when I posted the pic earlier.
So here it is with a few interesting links on procreation.
If you are childfree (by choice) or childless (by design) and are regularly accosted by folks who want to know why that is the case, here’s a possible approach to adopt.
I am NOT referring to good friends who feel close enough to me to ask. They are genuinely concerned about my well-being. You can have a mutually respectful conversation with your friends without being lectured to.
I am referring to women and men (mostly older) who I do not discuss personal matters with – folks who dispense unsolicited advice just because they happen to be born before I was and are related to/acquainted with me. Heck, some of these people are meeting me for the first time.
What about those couples who want a baby, but cannot have one? These “concerned” folks don’t give enough of a crap to wonder if their nosiness may just rub salt into their wounds. It’s tempting to tell them to “mind your own darn business”. That, however, gives them the ammunition to go around wailing about how rude you were to them. I don’t think one can get people with no sense of boundaries to see your point of view. The intent is simply to piss them off enough not to want to accost you again. This approach, methinks, would accomplish that rather nicely.
Tell these busybodies that your reasons for being childfree are highly technical and better expressed in writing. You will send them an e-mail.
Then write to them: :
Dear Aunty/Uncle,
I truly appreciate how concerned you are about my failure to gainfully employ certain body parts for the purpose of breeding. Let me confess, I’ve been just as puzzled by your decision to procreate (THRICE) in a heavily overcrowded world. Until now, though, I just never considered it prudent or appropriate to mention.
My reasons for being childfree are outlined in this recently published study. In a nutshell, it points to how callous folks who procreate are. It also suggests that those who expect a tax break for doing so are egregiously entitled.
Besides, like Cameron Diaz, I don’t wish to visit Wall Drug.
While we are talking about my reproductive choices here, I was wondering if you’d be willing to pay the carbon tax on my future babies if there indeed was one levied.
Please do not feel compelled to respond.
Sincerely,
She who refuses to make babies.
Of course, this person was only “tryinggggg to hellllpp” and does not deserve such rudeness. But, really, I was just “tryinggggg to hellppp” too. The planet, that is.
Then there are those who shove random babies at you. I love being around babies and small children as long as they go home in the evening.
However, I hate visiting newborn babies. If I feel like it, I will hold the baby (after asking the parents if I am allowed to). If I don’t, I won’t. Soon, there will be a posse of people (usually relatives of the parents) in my face:
“Go on, hold the bahbeeeee. It’s okkkkkayyyyyy.”
Huh? It’s not your baby. What do you mean by “It’s okay.” ?
Even better, no one gets in J’s face and commands him to “hold the baby” if he doesn’t feel like it. It all boils down to the vagina. If you have one, you must be tripping over yourself to hold the baby. If not, you’re a freak.
Why do people do that? Any insights?
Anyway, here’s the dahi vada recipe. The built-in salad makes it a perfectly-balanced one-pot meal with carbs (lentils), protein (yogurt and lentils) and raw veggies.
Dahi/Thayir = Yogurt
Vada = Lentil Dumplings
I use my aebleskiver / appam/ paniyaram pan, as outlined HERE and HERE. 3/4 cup soaked lentils give me about 21 fritters – three rounds of frying. By the third round, the oil has usually dried up, but the pan is well-seasoned and I don’t bother to add more.
Depending on my mood and how much time I have, I made the yogurt sauce North-Indian, South-Indian (my favourite) or Lebanese style.
DAHI / THAYIR VADA with BUILT-IN SALAD
Makes about 21 cocktail vadas – Serves 6.
THE VADAS
3/4 cup each split husked or whole urad/udid dal
**or a combo of urad and split, husked moong dal
**Urad/urid refers to black lentils (see this pic). When they are husked, they are white (see this pic).
1. Soak the lentils in plenty of water for between 2 and 8 hours. I always try to soak it for 8 hours (overnight) ‘cos the lentils will absorb sufficient water to get the perfect consistency while grinding.
If you soak it for 8 hours. drain all the liquid and keep it aside. You probably will not need to add any while grinding. If you soak it for less time, you may need to add liquid while blending to a paste. The idea is to blend it to a very slightly coarse paste while adding as little water as possible.
While blending, add
a few peppercorns,
a pinch of cumin seeds,
a tiny piece of ginger
one green chilli
The consistency should be thick. When you scoop some out with a spoon, it should not drip off it. Check the video below.
2. Meanwhile, heat oil in the appam / aebleskiver pan on medium-high heat – with about 1.5 tsps vegetable oil per slot. Or use a regular frying pan with 1.5 to 2 inches oil.
3. While the oil is heating, add salt to the batter and whip the batter well with a spatula, folding it with each motion. The idea is to make it light and fluffy to incorporate as much air into it as possible. It should increase in volume after 2 to 3 minutes. This step is important and if you are feeling too lazy or rushed, add a pinch of baking powder to the batter and mix it in. Whip the batter after each batch. There will be three batches.
4. Gently drop heaped teaspoons of the lentil mixture into the oil. An oiled spoon helps the batter slide off easily.
5. Reduce the heat to medium, fry until golden brown on one side (about 3 minutes), then using a skewer or fork, gently turn them over. They should fluff up and nearly double in volume.
6. Fry till golden brown on the other side, remove and put them on paper towels to drain. After 2-3 minutes, drop them in a bowl of room-temperature water and let them sit there for about a minute on each side.
7. For the second and third batches, reduce the heat to low. Whip the batter before each batch.
8. Take the fritters out of the water and squeeze them gently between both palms to extract as much water as you can without breaking them.
You can use them right away or freeze these for future use.
THE YOGURT SAUCE
Beat 2.5 cups of home-made or Greek yogurt (low-fat is fine). You can use kefir too, but it will be very watery.
North-Indian style
Add to the yogurt
salt,
1/2 tsp grated ginger
Dry-roast
1 tsp cumin seeds
until one shade darker and powder it in a spice grinder.
Dunk the squeezed dahi vadas in the yogurt sauce.
Chill for a couple of hours so that the fritters absorb the sauce.
Top with
the roasted cumin
cayenne (chilli) powder
2 tbsp chopped coriander leaves.
and a good dollop of tamarind-date chutney.
(If you don’t have homemade chutney, you can either buy it in a jar at the Indian grocery store or leave it out.)
South-Indian style
Blend to a fine paste with
2 tbsps of the yogurt
1/4 cup grated coconut (frozen or dried is fine too. use unsweetened)
1 tsp chopped ginger
2 green chillies
(DO NOT blend the coconut with ALL of the yogurt. Tt will turn frothy and very watery.)
Add this paste to the rest of the yogurt
with
salt to taste
2 tbsp chopped coriander
and mix well.
Dunk the squeezed dahi vadas in the yogurt sauce.
Heat
1 tsp oil (preferably light sesame oil – not the dark Chinese variety)
and add
1 tsp mustard seeds
1 tsp cumin seeds
6 to 8 curry leaves
1 broken red chilli
a tiny pinch of asafoetida
Add the tempering on top of the yogurt-soaked lentil fritters.
Chill for a couple of hours so that the fritters absorb the sauce.
Lebanese style
Dunk them in Jajik with garlic and mint.
In order to prevent the yogurt from turning watery, add the chopped cucumber just before serving.
Chill for a couple of hours so that the fritters absorb the sauce.
BUILT-IN SALAD
This is not the norm, but I like to add finely chopped/grated cucumbers, carrots, bell peppers, even raisins sometimes, for crunch, flavour and nutrition.
Add the veggies just before serving so that the yogurt does not turn too watery.
DAHI VADA DEMO
These Lentil Fritters with Yogurt Sauce go to the fabulous Susan @ The Well-Seasoned Cook for My Legume Love Affair #14.
Food in Colour: Zodiac Sign. Both of ours is Cancer, and the colour is White.
- bee
Filed Under: childfree, childless, Dairy/Cheese, Lentils, MUSINGS, udid dal, urad-dal, vegetarian recipes, yogurt
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39 Comments
Guys I do not know why people force others to hold, have or take care of Bahbees.. i know what you are saying. our 6 yrs of not reproducing & tending to other things were not seen too well & went thru some pretty memorable times, even people started dreaming about us.. blah.. Save the compassion for “trying to help” & sending that letter is what I would be happy doing:-D, but didn’t. I see it done to others & see them ashen with hurt while trying to smile, & i feel like dragging the “helpers” out of the room, but i can’t; what a pity..
yes Sunita’s thing came as shock:-( We all are going to miss her.
that dahi vada is making me crave real bad, haven’t made it in a LONG time!
That dish looks fantastic and so flavorful! I was shocked to hear that Sunita was closing her blog
…
I can relate to what you wrote… I never wanted children and feel no urge to have any. We are all free to do whatever we want (have or not have children/live our life as chosen) and don’t deserve to be judged for our choices!
Cheers,
Rosa
Haha.. I am falling off my chair laughing at the letter..hehe. I know it is so annoying. Though I have a kid now, I used to hate it when people said “so you have been married for so long, how come no kids?” or even worse ask my siblings if we had any “issues” that we didn’t have kids. I used to say that we don’t think that’s the aim in our life. Good email, Bee.. really serves them right..haha.
Bee.. I hear you completely… people have already started giving me suggestions on my next one already … whether we should have our “son” soon or three years later !!!! Our horro(r)scopes have been checked and they have come to a conclusion that it is indeed going to be a male child Whoa … so we have told them we are going to adopt a baby boy next .. and got close to being disowned.. atleast its some solace that we wont be bothered!
We are just going to complete an year of marriage n I am already surounded by the “helpers”..sometimes it so pisses me off..lol @ the letter..:D
Dahi vada is scrumptous..:)
Just today a guy who come to drop bottles of water looked at my pregnant colleague and goes awww..looks at me and says, do you kids?” When I said No, he says,” you are experiencing pregnancy through her- be happy” I was in shock, I could not retort back..I was really hurt!
Hmm..ask me..being married for seven years and falling in the category of “wanting to conceive,but can’t”I come across such so-called-friends and relatives all the time.Have you consulted a doc,is the most famous one..do they think they are more concerned about our well being than we are?And then comes the list of temples to visit..but of course,they are tryinggggggg to helppppp!!
Been a long long time since I had Dahi vada..looks delicious..:).
Bee,
Amen!! My vagina aches just attending those birthday parties. I have stopped attending them.Once, a so called elder blessed me to have lot of kids , just a week after I had a complicated surgery and a life saving procedure.Go figure! And Yes!! I don’t regret not having kids, in fact, I love it.
Bee, next time someone pushes a baby at you, tell them you have swine flu!
Women are supposed to be naturally nurturing, that’s why all the baby pressure, I guess. One of the funniest remarks I’ve heard was what my friend told me – one of her relatives told her he wants to see her next time “with a changed shape”.
Shankari – what a !@#$%^&*() Sometimes I wonder if these people will only understand if we speak to them in their own language.
As for blogging – I think there’s a general weariness, I’ve been noticing it for a few months now, neither as many interesting posts nor as many people commenting, I wonder why, some of us took a break but many of us didn’t – it’s disheartening, I hope it will sort itself out.
its a social stigma!
I always say – who makes these rules and what do ppl know about others life and their situation! Why do ppl always have such a nosy attitude about them I wonder!
Either we have to become a saint wherein we completely ignore ppl who seem more curious about your life than your own or Not give them the right in the first place by shoving their ‘concern’ up their ass!
I am always like “Sheesh! Give rest to being judgemental ppl! Believe me – your life probably sucks more than the so called ‘less fortunate’ who r thus deemed by you!”
If ppl took more care to make their life better instead of butting into or tch tching others – this world would have been such a better place to live in!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your letter is totally IT!
The Vadas look great…as always! As for the break – do what you think is best for you Bee. JUst be happy, nothing else matters in life anyways
P.S I got to know about Suni only after seeing your post – sent a mail to her – havent got over the shock yet!
Yeah this happens more often and more inhuman here. My first pregnancy got delayed for a year and the “solutions” and “procedures” suggested by my kith and kin were so very hurting. But I decided consciously not to visit or talk to “them” soon after I had my baby. The dahi vada and all thee versions of spicing up the yogurt looks fabulous. But my version of dahi vada is in the form of “morkuzhabu”. The first picture is stunning. Love the container! And I feel Sunita’s decision might be contagious
I have visited your blogs couple of time. I love your photography & write up. I feel having a bahbee or not is a personal choice. Nobody should be forced on that matter. However I dont second people who, for the sake of working keep prolonging their kid. It has a very bad impact on the health of both mom & kid. Me.., being a software engineer & a mom of one kiddo.., have seen my friends & colleagues struggling to have a kid. All their aim is .., plan for first kid when they are 29 or 30. If it doesnot succeed.., their life goes for a toss.
Last note: I am not in any way forcing you to have a bahbee, Okay
Yes!
My husband and I have been married 15 years next month. So, thank goodness, everyone has now accepted/ understood that we will NOT be having children thanks and stopped asking.
But during early years, we would often get this interference. Only from Indian community/ relatives/ friends (and mere acquaintances) though. Never from husband’s (English) side.
“Are you having trouble conceiving, dear?”
Whilst I have some respect for a culture that is, due to being born in UK, not my own I do not think this kind of deeply intrusive and extremely personal question is acceptable. From my actual grandmother and perhaps my mother’s sisters I will deal with it politely. From those who are not so close, I’m afraid I do not maintain as polite a facade as one ought. I will either turn my back and walk away or give a (small) piece of my mind.
And then I get the other reaction. This is more common in my home UK culture. The assumption that if you don’t want to have children you must be cold, heartless, unnatural and certainly a child hater. I adore children and love spending time with nieces, nephews and friends’ children. So some find this quite confounding.
Let them be confounded. Let them ask their nosy questions or think their insulting thoughts.
It makes no difference to who I am and to the life I (and my husband) choose to live.
Kavey,
I’m married for long too, and I tell you, people’s optimism is boundless – guess it’s the 21st century or something – but I have people telling me it’s not too late even now, that folks well into their 40s are having kids, etc, so why not us? Apart from the genuine concern/intrusiveness of it all (similar questions, stomach-patting – yech!), sometimes I wonder if I should be flattered that people haven’t ‘given up’ on me.
I find it increasingly pointless to present an alternate view to have-a-child evangelism – it’s such a holy cow that people are not willing to let go. I wish people would view having and raising children as one more (perhaps enriching and elevating) experience that one can choose to have in one’s life, and not as a duty to their parents, family and society and all that.
We will miss Sunita too. She was one of our earliest inspirations to start a blog. Sigh. Hope all is well with her.
About babies
we are married for just about over a year and I’ve had to answer this question from random people because OMG< you married at 25!!?! When will you have ‘fun’ with your husband and when will you get married?
My answer: We are practicing to produce the perfect baby. Religiously. Every night, and during daytime too, in the weekends
That usually shuts them up!
Prob my first comment on your blog. But this post & one of your earlier ones about having kids reverberates with what I am going thru. Have longed for a child for very long & we have been unable to conceive. Society has been so harsh that I don’t look forward to meeting ppl anymore nor do I care much to meet new ppl either. Anyways, its good to see your post & read comments – atleast there are some good ppl still.
I’ve been there…desi girls in our neighborhood (so called – friends group) were the annoying ones..or should I say Annoyed ones..coz they couldnt work outside only bcoz they had kids within months after marriage!! and they were jealous of me!! and I was married only for 3 months then!!!!
when we would visit the hospital when a friend had a baby..they would all stare at ME…and wait for me to say something like … OHHHH I wish I have one too!!! But I didnt and that would make them angry and sure took revenge..u know the bully types…
I have 2 kids now 7 yrs after marriage..Im telling you I wish I had waited. I had to switch (still am) job after job..to sustain expenses and mortgage and daycare. Ive had 7 jobs in 7 yrs now..yep!! I am totally exhausted.
If I had settled well in a job with decent salary before kids, I would have been much better and happier and given my family a stress-free mom.
People got to understand that everyone’s life is different. Dont think you are perfect and dont be rude to your fellow beings…give respect to their life and decision.
I love kids and am very happy for anyone who chooses parenthood, but my husband and I are childless by choice. My mom was a little bummed at first, but ultimately respects my (our) decision. Holding babies doesn’t bother me, but right now I’d rather hold that gorgeous dish of baby vada. Thanks for sharing it with MLLA.
I think I have Net-fatigue, too. *sigh*
Food looks delicious.
Good luck with the helpers.
Paz
Not taking off on you or anything, Sra, but if the vagina makes you a nurturer then my husband has a really big one. Must check later tonight when he gets home from his guys night out. One thing is for sure: we *will* have a lot of fun!
” I love being around babies and small children as long as they go home in the evening.” …LOL.
I can understand your point completely, its similar where people start pushing u towards marriage as soon as you get out of college, i am not married so dont know about babies, though i love them but i get really annoyed when my so called well wishers start discussing my life..oh those dahi wads look scrumptous!
Oh, I hope you get over your netfatigue (well, if you want to
When you told us about an approach to *adopt, I thought your were talking about *adoption! Oops 
Anyway, I respect you stance. Some people just like pushing their on others. “Yooo gotta see the bayyybeee!”
Never had vada before but it looks looovely. I really should get out more :/
I can empathize with net burnout – hang in there ‘bahbee’
Thanks for sharing this excellent vada tutorial — this has always been a dish that intimidates me but perhaps now I will gift myself an aebleskiver pan and get to work!
I luvd this post Bee! Since we decd to take our times with the bahbees, I got that question SO often that I actually contemplated writing a book titled: What, Indian, 30 and no kids…what will we do with u!
Just made the whole wheat crust pizza (again) and it was even more delicious this time Bee! I’m so glad that everytime I think of buying a store bought pizza base (its pure refined flour here) I resist and instead wait for a weekend when I can make this from scratch – its so so satisfying to bite into a homemade pizza packed with as many varieties of toppings you want!
Coming back to the topic – it doesn’t stop with having a baby I have learnt (or in my case adopting) – it continues and now that my daughter is 4 I am constantly being asked when I will have another baby since this is the “ideal” gap apparently….sigh
I don’t expect people to change anytime soon, especially the older generation. I will educate where I can, ignore where I can’t.
Hi…I love your rants as much as your recipes and pictures. In fact, I think I appreciate your rants more..most times they are just what I go through and want to tell..but of course never get around to doing it. Married for 7 years..dont have kids..dont want any either. I know exactly how you feel..and believe me..your mail is one of the politest responses I can think of. Usually I just wish I could kick the oh-so-concerned person..especially the ones who ask me if everything is all right between the hubby and me.
Hear hear! I think your rants are as wonderful as your recipes, pictures, nutrition posts, etc and resonate with a lot of people. Its your space to do as you please. We keep coming back because we LOVE reading it ALL.
One of the things that worries me most about blogging is finding a blog I really love, and that person deciding not to blog anymore… Maybe I have not met any of these people, but they have become apart of my life regardless and they are not replaceable
The dish looks lovely though, and food is always comforting!!!
Holy cow! that’s one long comment! Phew
Wow, that was being passive-aggressive, Poornima.
I stumbled into your blog by accident……the Dahi Vada was what captured my attention….but then the first part of your blog pushed me to post a comment
I’ve been married more than 3+ years….and can relate to your post. My husband’s response to such questions usually is pretty rude…..the indian rhetoric in a wedding usually goes like this….”so when are you going to treat us to YOUR wedding dinner?” or ” when are you going to give us our grandchild/ nephew/niece”.
The replly is” Oh….i heard this old uncle passed away…wonder whose turn is next”
What can I say except my apologies!Maybe I did not express what I meant clearly.Anyway I guess we all have our own way of dealing with life.I will stick to enjoying your recipes and photos hereon!!!
we waited by choice to have a baby for 5 years – the reason being my hubby wanted to complete his education. Except for a few relatives, I was not tooo bummed by any friends here. Ya one H4 told me I wont be able to have a baby past 30 – I couldn’t care less –
So here it goes after I tried to conceive I was told about the issues I was having – cysts in my uterus that were not present a few years ago and a devastating news that my hubby has cancer. We banked his sperms before treatment. Fortunately to our boundless happiness we were told that the tumor was benign. And we were blessed with a baby not long after the nightmare experience.
During those trying times, we felt we should not have postponed having kids and hubby felt that we were running behind the wrong things in life.
whenever any of our friends told that they were postponing kids, our hearts would really want to tell them NOT to delay but have babies earlier and the effects age has with our ability to have babies.
I have seen both sides – unsolicited advice and a deep sense of wishing well to my near and dear ones.
This is my take on this issue. If its out of curiosity that people want to know and advice – Are u planning to have kids ? Is it becoz of medical issues that you are not having kids ? – To hell with them and please copy that email of yours !
If its near and dear friends/relatives that care for you but you are not able to tell them the true reason – politely decline them and let them know their advice has been duly noted.
This posting brings to mind our experience as newly weds.
My in laws lived in a small town as we did but we didn’t stay together. For festival days and other occassions we would go to the inlaws and during the usual namaskaaram my fil would ask my husband enna daa innum onnum illaya. look at your brother, 9 months from his wedding day your nephew was born.
I used to cringe each time. THis was twenty odd years ago, and in relatively conservative times. Our son was born 18 months of our marriage, and though we thank God for him, sometimes I wish that I was strong minded enough to wait longer. Our marriage being arranged, it would have been nice to have known each other more before parenthood was thrust on us. Especially for me, since from being a student I was suddenly a traditional south indian wife, daughterinlaw and now mother.
So in conclusion, parenthood is a blessing, but we must be free to choose when or whether we want to become one.
I love that you are able to order your life around an ideology. To me it also suggests that you j & b, are a cohesive unit, and very happy with each other. I have friends who have had children only to meet such social expectations, or worse as a means to bridge the gap between husband and wife and give themselves a common emotional attachment.
I also think that the carbon footprint argument applies only to procreation and not adoption.
Having children (procreated or adopted) is such a long term emotional & financial commitment that if you know it is not for you, then a mass f**k off is better than leading a false life.
J & B, there’s an argument that people need to breed, and that they need to be given incentives such as tax breaks and flexitime/easy time at work, etc, so that the older generations have service providers such as doctors to make use of. What’s your take on this?
yes, SOME people need to have children. they don’t need to go around evangelising their efforts to others, though.
as for tax and other incentives, no comment.
I did not read all the reader’s comments but I, for one, can totally empathize with you. When I visited Madras last year, I could not step out on the streets of Mylapore without being squished between a hundred other people. Still when I went back to my sis-in-law’s, all she talks about is when we are having a baby. And where on earth do you plan to plant the baby? The world is too over-crowded for human babies I say. Stop procreating like crazy people, and adopt a dolphin or two.