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The Household Guide to Dying – A Book Review
April 26, 2009 | 12 Comments
Full Disclosure: Penguin Group sent us this book for review. I haven’t read a work of fiction for at least 15 years which probably makes me uniquely unqualified to write this review. I was more interested in the “dying” than the “household” in the title. I also do not like to leave a book unfinished, regardless of how torturous it is. Thankfully, this one was worth the time and effort.
You can find an interesting interview with the author Debra Adelaide here.
- Jai
Debra Adelaide weaves a masterful story of poignant hope, dark humor, and clever cynicism in the face of death. Delia, the protagonist is a successful advice columnist who is combating breast cancer. She is writing her last book in the “Household Guide” series, the previous editions of which include important topics such as “kitchen”, “garden”, and “laundry”. For her last book, Delia chooses to address the “simple” art of dying and provide practical to-dos that prepare the unsuspecting for the inevitable.
Delia is at once a grieving mother waiting to meet her son, a dispassionate writer doing her research, a strong-willed woman who chose the death of her comatose son to give life to another child waiting to receive a heart, a rebel who hates political correctness and conventional thinking. Above all, she is a thoughtful mother and wife who leaves family favorites in the freezer, gifts for Archie – her husband – the kids, and many others who touched her life, and details for her daughter’s wedding – which undoubtedly will take place when she won’t be around!
The story flashes back and forth from the present to defining moments in Delia’s past. Delia is on a mission to meet a person from the past before she dies and as she sets out on her travels, memories flood back and connect the varied patchwork which is her life quilt.
The style appeared choppy at the beginning but truly gained momentum as each narrative of the story gets further defined and merged. The pages turned faster as you navigate through Delia’s relationship with Archie, her kids Estelle and Daisy, her dead son Sonny, her neighbor Lambert, mother Jean, deceased father Frank, her hens, the people from Amethyst where she spent many years, marketing consultant Nancy, her doctor Lee, the cancer treatment/surgeries, and not the least herself. Debra Adelaide manages to squeeze many twists and turns in each thread which is at once entertaining, thought provoking, engaging, and free-flowing.
An interesting feature is an excerpt from one of the Household Guides at the beginning or end of some chapters. The author uses these excerpts to contrast the mundane, often inane questions that get asked in advice columns to the circumstance that Delia is in. Delia became an advice columnist when the marketing consultant, Nancy, from Academic Press (where Delia was a proof reader) called in desperation, asking her to temporarily fill a void. Her column became a rage when Delia accidentally sent in a wrong file which treated the questioner with disdain and contempt. She thought that will be the end of it, but the letters and accolades poured in and she was well on her way.
Delia in her final days is thinking of the people around her while the questions in her column betray extreme self-centered behavior. The tone of the column now allowed Delia to get her point across without being politically correct. One particular interchange (interspersed in several chapter beginnings or endings) with a reader/questioner “Desperate” is particularly funny. Desperate is trying to woo his girlfriend and gets his posterior handed to him and as Delia predicts in the column, the girlfriend eventually leaves him. But there is a twist to that story too, which stumps Delia in the end.
Her research for the book leads her to funeral homes to get coffins and the autopsy room and the gory details of autopsy reports.
“I am interested in buying a coffin.”
“Um…yes. A casket.” (said with due deference so as not to offend the customer). “May I ask, specifically for …?” (raising eyebrows as it must be improper to ask for whom!).
Delia decides not to be helpful.
“A coffin”, I repeated, “for a body, of course. A dead one.” He swallowed, making his Adam’s apple dance noticeably. Then he glanced around. I had uttered the D word within the hallowed precincts of repose.
“Yes, of course, a….casket…..for a…a…deceased person.”
“But were you talking of someone in particular? Or…?
Again I was meant to help him out.
“Absolutely. And that particular someone is me. I want to buy a coffin for me, for when I’m dead.”
“But you’re…you’re…”
“Not dead? No, I’m quite alive, as you can see.” This time it was my turn to smile. “But soon, I will be. You see, I’m dying of cancer and I want to organize my funeral in advance. And buying a coffin is the first step.”
Latching onto the phrase, funeral in advance, like a shipwrecked sailor to a floating piece of timber, James recovered some of his poise.
In the ancient Indian epic Mahabharata, a Yaksha acting as a gate-keeper to “Eternity” asks a series of tough questions to Yudhishtra culminating in this exchange.
The Yaksha asked: “What is the greatest wonder in the world?”
Yudhishtra replied: “Every day, we see creatures depart to Yama’s abode and yet, those who remain seek to live forever. This verily is the greatest wonder.”
I have always been intrigued by that ever since I read it couple of decades ago, and in this book Debra Adelaide, through Delia, reminds us that living and dying are two sides of the same coin.
“In the act of dying one gets a chance to express some of the most inspiring and creative ideas of your life. Never forget that.”
Why not live one’s life the same way?? To the fullest. After all, living and dying are part of the same process. There were too many little nuggets and humorous interludes that I wanted to quote, but for that go and pick up a copy.
– Jai
Filed Under: Book Reviews, Books, cancer, Debra Adelaide, Defeat Cancer, Dying, Household Guide to Dying, Living, MUSINGS
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12 Comments
When I saw the title, I misread it as dyeing and I thought you’d written a post about using natural, vegetable dyes at home lol! It’s a pleasant surprise to see a fiction review here.
I have been fascinated by the “Yaksha Prashna” ever since I read it. And I agree with you, living and dying are two sides of the same coin. If only we could embrace the thought fully !
Oh nice! My mom was talking about this. Will check it out.
From the moment we are born, we are dying each day.. In that sense, Living and Dying are two sides of the same coin and yet, most of the times, we all forget it or dont realise it.. I love the quote from mahabarata.. Heard it many times before..
It was a pleasure to go thru’ the review of this book.Sounds Interesting…
My Maternal Uncle( Mother’s bro.)fought with the Dreaded C,bravely enough ,so much that he even cooked special meals for us (He was a wonderful cook)in his last days despite of his frail body.Visiting Tata Institute( For Cancer Treatment)was a pure torture since it required so much of traveling from his home,but still he somehow managed to put a smile on his face.His only grudge was that his elder daughter was a Polio victim and he wanted her to do very well for herself.He fought with the whole family to send his daughter to school despite of all the odds (she couldnt climb the stairs ,so he used to carry her on his shoulders everyday to her classroom).Its just because of my Uncle’s strong belief in hard work than destiny, that her daughter is now a CA and lives a life of Dignity
Gosh…this brought so many nostalgic memories …will take your leave now to compose myself
I’d heard of a book that tells you how to commit suicide at home – thought this was something like that.
It seems nice. The extract you quoted – it always amazes me how the simplest of words need euphemisms. Died: Expired, passed away. And “She’s pregnant”": it HAS to be “she’s expecting” or “in the family way” or you get strange looks!
Quite nicely done Jai – “uniquely unqualified”? Perhaps not.
You gave me a glimpse into the world the book creates in a way that drew me in and left me wanting more.
Now I want to go buy my own copy and if there is anything else a book review ought to do I’m not sure what that would be.
Thanks for taking this on.
Nice Review . I would have liked it better if it were not a fiction. Something like “Tusedays with Morrie” which really gets into the essence of dying on a day-to-day basis and is very truthful.
Added your site to my blogroll.
-Shoba.
Truly, why not live life to the fullest? I just can’t take the risk of believing in reincarnation now!
Nice review…will check out the book.
Love the review. I go for catchy titles…and the content seems to be equally captivating.
Thanks! Jai ~ And especially for…“In the act of dying one gets a chance to express some of the MOST inspiring and creative ideas of your life. NEVER forget that.” (emphasis mine)
It’s been 6-months since Bri’s death. Thinking about her, our loss, how she approached life, has definitely inspired my creativity. And Marc’s as well.
Hope spring is showing her lovely face in your garden.
A very interesting review…gives us a lot to chew upon! Truly paradoxical that we dont think our mortality in the face of everyday reality! Like your comparison with our ancient epic.