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Manipulation
May 23, 2007 | 40 Comments
Noun
1. exertion of shrewd or devious influence especially for one’s own advantage;
2. use;
3. influence – causing something without any direct or apparent effort;
4. mind game – deliberate actions of calculated psychological manipulation intended to intimidate or confuse (usually for competitive advantage).
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There are occasions when you interact with someone and walk away feeling sad, angry, confused or experiencing some negative emotion. You can’t quite pinpoint why. The person is question has not screamed in your face or openly insulted you. In fact, they may have tried to sound/act caring and concerned. Yet, you have a bad taste in your mouth. You feel used. Your instinct tells you their intent was not benign.
An example: You are at work, at the drink machine, buying a coke. Your colleague remarks: “They also have a DIET coke.”
You begin to wonder, “Was he insinuating that I am fat?” Then you begin to blame yourself for being ‘oversensitive’ and feel guilty for questioning his intent. He was, perhaps, just letting you know of an extra option. But the doubts persist.
Or you receive a gift – a seemingly nice one. To the neutral observer, it’s a very generous gesture. Only you know the back story. There’s a relative who’s been trying to “guide” you about her religion. You politely inform said relative that you don’t practise her religion, and don’t plan to. The next time she visits you, she brings an expensive piece of art. It’s a religious painting. No, she’s not clueless. She’s persistent. And she is the queen of passive-aggression.
Or someone promises to do something, doesn’t live up to their end of the bargain, and then tells you you misunderstood, ‘cos they don’t recall making a promise of that nature.
I’ve learnt to trust my instinct. If someone makes you uncomfortable without being overtly aggressive, and you can’t exactly fathom why, you’ve been subjected to a passive aggressive attack.
(Picture from Amazon.com)
The book In Sheep’s Clothing by George K. Simon (from my local library) helped me understand how p/a personalities think and operate.
Passive or Covert Aggression (p/a for short) is as harmful and more insiduous than overt aggression. If the person was merely being insensitive or clueless, he/she will apologise and resolve not to repeat the behaviour in the future. If he/she meant to be snarky in the first place, he/she will often turn around and accuse you of being “too sensitive”, and say, “I was only trying to helllpppp”. Or, feigning deep concern, they diagnose you as “depressed”, and volunteer to help alleviate that state. After all, it must be within you that the problem lies.
As explained in this book:
There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you’re determined to have something and you’re open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win,” dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That’s why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.
A simple example. In India, I’ve noticed that when people visit your home, if you ask them if they would like some tea, you get three types of responses.
1. “Yes, I would love some tea. Thank you.”
2. “No, but thanks for asking”. Now, some actually mean the “no”. They’ll give you a reason. “I don’t drink tea”, or “I usually drink my last cup before 6 p.m.”.
Others (even if they arrive unannounced) fully expect a cup of tea, but will decline and want you to “force” them to accept. The charade is all about not being “seen” as asking for something, while trying to procure it.
If someone declines an offer of tea or a meal, you are supposed to serve it to them anyway. I have observed with amazement how people who have declined these offers with great vehemence have polished off a four-course meal. And I have spent hours wondering why people say ‘no’ when they really mean ‘yes’. Or ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’.
3. “I’ll have tea if you are making some for yourself.” This, to my mind, is as presumptuous and passive-aggressive as it gets. They’re effectively telling the host/hostess: “Yes, I would like some tea, and since you get to have some yourself, you’re doing me no favour.”
I have an aunt who doesn’t do p/a. If you say ‘yes’, you get tea and awesome banana chips. If your answer is 2 or 3, you get nothing. Sounds simple enough, but a lot of people snicker behind her back about how inhospitable she is. I remember being warned the last time I was going to visit her: “If you want tea at her place, you need to say ‘yes’. Else, you won’t get it.”
Suits me fine.
I figure p/a types are most comfy around p/a types. They can keep the charades going for a while. They also have narcissistic tendencies. Appearances matter a lot to them, and they consider others too dumb to see through their manipulation. They believe they emerge out of a situation smelling of roses, while what they actually generate is distrust and resentment.
Let’s face it, all of us are covertly aggressive on occasion. This book has been immensely helpful to me in analysing my own behaviour.
However, as Simon points out, there is a difference between periodic acts of covert aggression, and a “covert aggressive personaility”
Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.
The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It’s the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.
How does the process of “victimization” take place?
A manipulator’s aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they’re fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence they’re aggressing against us, we can’t readily validate our feelings.
The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring, defending, …, almost anything but fighting.
… it’s important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviours, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they’re primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over.”
In order to recognize aggressive agendas, it is necessary to be aware of the tactics that p/a personalities use to maintain power over others.
THIS EXCERPT from the book is a must read.
It lists the various strategies used by p/a personalities when confronted with their behaviour. These range from denial and guilt-tripping to blame reversal, minimization, and covert intimidation.
It’s amazing how easy it is to identify p/a behaviour when one can put a label on it. A rapist’s attorney discusses the victim’s past in court and claims that she has “loose morality”. This form of gaslighting is called ‘vilification‘.
When you ask someone why he plagiarised content from a blog, he accuses you of “making a mountain out of a molehill”. This is the p/a tactic of ‘minimizing‘, i.e. trying to make a molehill out of a mountain.
A lot of p/a behaviour has societal sanction. When a younger person is abused/bullied by an older one, if the victim stands up to the aggressor, he/she is labelled ‘disrespectful’.
“Respect your elders no matter what” is classic p/a bullying, and calling someone ‘disrespectful’ when he/she stands up to an oppressive authority figure like a parent or teacher is both ‘diversion‘ and ‘scapegoating‘.
You can respond to p/a behaviour in one of three ways:
1. Be p/a right back. You can tell the person who made the Diet coke remark:
“You remembered that you need to go to the gym, it seems.”
I think this approach is counter-productive. It only validates the offensive behavour.
I prefer 2 and 3.
2. Be direct. “You said: ‘They have a Diet coke too’, I heard: ‘You are fat’. Is that what you intended to say?”
When they try to say I’m being too sensitive, I respond with, “Yeah, I am probably extra sensitive to these kinds of things. Please keep that in mind in the future.”
If they say I misunderstood what they said, I invite them to clarify. “I see only one way to interpret it. I would be happy to hear how else you would interpret it.”
3. Say nothing. If you confront the person who gave you the painting, she will probably feign surprise, claim it’s ‘just art’, play martyr, and tell the next person she meets how ungrateful you are.
Accept it with a smile. There are ways to deal with a p/a gift. Drop it when no one’s around, then step on it. Spill coffee on it. Or donate it. And forget about it.
However, if that person has a controlling nature, she is likely to ask on her next visit why the picture is not on display.
Then she will get the truth – “Unfortunately, it was ruined when I spilled coffee on it.”
Or “I donated it to the local temple in your name. They were delighted to receive it.”
I am not responsible for how she deals with that information, nor can I change it.
Distance yourself from people who keep trying to intimidate you with p/a behaviour. If they ask you about it, be direct: “I found our interactions getting increasingly unpleasant, and consider it in our mutual interest to stop engaging with one other.”
You can’t change others. You can change how you respond to them.
If the aggressor is a member of your immediate family, or someone you have to interact with at work each day, it may be really difficult not to engage. However, what works for me is to tell myself that the person is responding how he/she knows best to respond to a situation. You are not condoning the behaviour or making excuses for it. You’re just telling yourself that that person is not equipped to respond in a healthy, constructive manner.
Some phrases that I find useful:
1. “Could you please repeat that louder? I didn’t hear you properly.”
P/a personalities often say things only loud enough for the intended target to hear. Like bats, they operate under the cover of darkness. They cannot handle the beam of a bright torch. Ask them to repeat what they said in front of a third person. Or call someone into the room. “Hun, could you come here for a second? I’d like you to hear what ‘x’ just said. It’s quite interesting.”
Then sit back and watch them change their line, rationalise, distort or outright deny what they just said. It’s important to do it as soon as it happens. If you bring it up later, they are guaranteed to scapegoat you as a fabricator of tall tales.
2. “Wow. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be rude, but that’s how it came across.”
3. “It is so very kind of you to say so”. That usually catches them off guard.
4. If you ask someone not to do something, they go ahead and do it anyway and claim they were trying to “help”, let them know:
“When I ask you not to do something and you do it, you are not doing it FOR me. You are doing it TO me. Big difference.”
They will call you rude and ungrateful, but you know what that tactic is called: vilification.
This book helped me realise that p/a behaviour is toxic and abusive. It is important to distance oneself emotionally from such behaviour. Abuse is neither okay nor tolerable. Passive aggressive personalities, like overtly aggressive ones, are essentially schoolyard bullies. When you stand up to them, they dump you (after some really overt aggression) and try to look for another victim.
Being a doormat is not the solution. Distance, if possible, and directness are the only things that work for me. I’m as blunt as a sledgehammer. Some people are not.
This book truly helped expand my consciousness about human behaviour.
- B.
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Verbal Abuse
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Filed Under: Book Reviews, Books, covert-aggression, George-Simon, In-Sheeps-Clothing, manipulation, MUSINGS, passive-aggressive-behaviour
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40 Comments
awsome post.will look for that book.thanks bee:)
bee, i have a close type 3 friend who would never say yes or no but always say ‘if you are making……….’.
the guy is very nice and helpful otherwise but his reply makes me laugh everytime.
this was a good read.
bee, btw asha and i have decided to send you to kaalapani for choosing that scary looking durian as AFAM.
I am booking this book right now at the lib!!
And I will be sending a whole box of that smelly thing to you!!
hmmm … will look for this book
Oh my God.. things that we deal with day to day but dare say. I can relate so much to the “Would you like to have a cup of tea?” incidents. Thanks for sharing. I am going to get to this book ASAP.
hey…truly interesting…
but i do know that directness didnt help in my case when it came to a very near relative, so distancing was the only way…but even that seems like may not work in the long term…let me get hold of this book..i might learn some things to handle this !
thanks for writing about this book
I have got to get that book! when i am direct,i am called aggressive! So sometimes i just distance myself!waiting eagerly for your jackfruit round-up:)
paati
A nice review Bee. Reading non fiction books improves our insight. Viji
one of our friend always says “I’ll have tea if you are making some for yourself.†although he knows very well that i cant stand the smell of that tea. now i am seriously thinking!!! mmmmm…. mmmmmm…. m…… £$%^&…
very intereting article…enjoyed reading it
That’s a great review, have you read “Pulling your own strings”by Dr.Wayne Dwyer, that one is good too….though this one sounds much better. Books like these are always helpful.
I am guilty of being “too direct” sometimes and “emotionally aloof” (an oxymoron?) at other times,the only good things that have come out of this is that people don’t walk all over me. That isn’t such a bad thing, really.
u going to the library today? in that case can u get me a copy of the book, only if u go in that direction that is
)
“They also have a DIET coke.” I hate those kinds!! They should mind their own business.I would have said “I know but I prefer regular coke!”
I am always direct about food offers.I smile and say “No, thank you.Don’t worry about it,let’s talk instead”.
Bee,I didn’t know you were the sensitive type.Some people consider as a snob bcos I tell them as it is(inherited that from my grand father!) but my philosophy in life is “you cannot lose a friend”!!!:))
sensitive type? au contraire! Asha
the point (i think) that b was trying to make is that it doesnt matter whether one is sensitive or not, it is about letting the aggressor know that it is not OK to continue their behaviour. -j
Oh my! I can completely relate to all that you say – infact of late, I’ve been fretting about why certain people I deal with on a regular basis say the things they say. A neutral onlooker wouldn’t find anything wrong with what they say, but I know they are upto something and it’s even made me think that I might just be paranoid. I’ve tried method 1 in response on a few occasions and just ended up feeling guilty about it. Now I use method 3. I MUST get this book. Thanks for this post!
Bee, thanks for stopping by my blog
I just went trough your article, found it very interesting . That tea incident so true.
This is human nature. I feel the the seeds are sown right in our childhood, in our up bringing. All this probably reflects in our behavior later in life.
I feel like reading the book,will search for it in the library here
Don’t agree that this is human nature. It is certainly acquired or learnt – agree with you that the seeds are sown when we are young and it is very hard to unlearn it. Different types of posturing manifests itself in different societies, which probably goes to show that some societies are more p/a than others. -j
curious, which relative wants to force her religion on you
Thanks for article, Bee!
Very nice article and the book looks like a must read for someone like me. My husband tells me I am extra sensitive, feel bad for small small things, analyze things too closely. But, my simple funda in life is “Be good to those who are good to you, be worst to those who are bad to you”. Bee, I really think a lot about how/why people behave with me in a certain fashion when they could have otherwise. I can never say rude things to people on their face, but then spend too much time thinking what I could have said. I hate losing friends so can’t be too direct all the time. And I keep meeting p/a, wierd people wherever I go. M going to the library to get that book:)
Awesome post bee, an eye opener in many ways I see traces of Passive Aggresion in myself “I’ll have tea if you are making some for yourself” I see that doing sometimes to people Im not sure of … I will keep a check on myself. Thanks for the eye opener!
B-
very interesting post. i’ll have to check the book out! i wonder who the “queen of p/a” is??
btw–I always respond like #3 on your tea list, but i actually mean it. i don’t want to inconvenience the host but if he/she was making already for others then i’ll have it. i don’t want them to make a special effort just for me. i think my friends understand that because if a batch of tea comes out for all then i get some and if i am the only one then i get nothing which is fine.
what if everyone says the same?
-j
Bee- This book sounds like a total gem! Thank you for bringing it into the spotlight.
I have a few personalities like this that I deal with fairly regularly; for example: a “second ring friend” who invites himself over in the evening when he is through with work by saying, “I was wondering what you were doing.” If I say “not much, you?” he drops the subject. If I say “nothing really, would you like to stop by for some coffee?”, he stops over and somehow I end up serving him an entire meal… When he leaves, I am left scratching my head wondering how it all happened and thinking to myself that he didn’t make a visit for conversation, but more to be fed… In short I feel used, especially as he never invites me over for a meal! So, then I find myself avoiding him, yet on the surface you couldn’t say he was anything but nice; now I understand why I’m not terribly fond of him.
These excerpts really make a lot of sense. I wrote the title down!
also check out books by beverly engel and susan forward. – b.
Oh..I forgot to mention: that person at the soda machine? I would say, “That’s so KIND of you to point that out. Thank you!” They’ll understand the reflective p/a language, plus you don’t have to emotionally engage with them and give them the upper hand…
Bee, I meant human nature as a general term and did not mean its technical aspects.
I agree with you that certain behavior patterns are acquired/learnt and are not influenced by ones up bringing.
How did you know this just happened to me. This guy said to me at a Buffet breakfast you are mixing continental and south indian. I directly told him my BF is not complete without a slice of bread n butter.
At work this passive agression is in your face all the time. Bosses keep saying things and you keep wondering what was it that really hurt so much. I think they are trained for it. I am told that I need to keep a tab on my temper if I need to grow in the org. I care less though and it has worked for me by not keeping the tab.
A funny one just remembered it. One lady always showed a lot of concern over my weight problem I told her well I’ll loose it if she could change the color of her skin btw she is realy dark. All the concern stopped after that. I know I was mean and infact I love shinning dark skin but this woman deserved it.
A funny cartoon from a recent New Yorker: a man in a white robe is seated before the pearly gates with another such figure, the other figure clearly being St. Peter. They are going over a leger and the first figure is clearly a new arrival. St. Peter: “You’ve listed ‘meek’, but we’re seeing ‘passive aggressive’…
-J
that’s a good one. –Jai
Ohhh that tea example is classic gma. You ask if she’d like a cuppa and she always answers only if you’re making it and I never knew why it annoyed me so!
Hi,
I read your article .I myself have been insulted or humiliated and have got angry responses from people,because they THINK I have been covertly aggreessive.For eg I may as well tell a person that even diet coke is available ,out of pure concern .If he gets angry I might even respond sincerely that he is being over sensitive.
Your post is though genuine ,sometimes retaliatin can even hurt sincere people.
In fact I myself have been a victim of covert aggression though people have blamed me for the same even when I was innocent.
if the other person receiving your advice responds angrily, then most likely they dont know you very well or does not share your concern or both. and it is their prerogative as it is their body that you are talking about. i think in such instances, it is better to apologise for having stepped over one’s bounds rather than escalating the issue by calling the other person insensitive. Again opinions are entirely mine. –Jai
Also the chai example is also kind of inaccurate.While it may be true that some people use manipulation,others simply do not want to look greedy ,therefore they refure the first time.
People should develop some amount of tolerance.The essential point is that it is not the statement but what kind of a person is making the statement which makes a difference.
there are two actions happening. one is the person offering the chai and the other is the person accepting/refusing the offer. If a dance between the two individuals ensues (offer-refusal-repeat offer-repeat refusal…etc) then one or both actions are fake. What the article is pointing to is that – such a fake act is a sign of passive aggression. If someone accepts the offer of chai, why would the person offering consider the acceptance to be greedy unless their original offer was not genuine in the first place? If you are alluding to a third person considering it greedy, then I submit that it is none of his/her business. –Jai
(if the other person receiving your advice responds angrily, then most likely they dont know you very well or does not share your concern or both. and it is their prerogative as it is their body that you are talking about)—> About this point what I want to say is “I am not concerned about a person’s physical attribute,but rather that he should not be restricted in choices.”It need not be “diet coke”,it could have been “thumbs up” drink.But since in the circumstances “diet coke” was the other option available, it is not fair that he understand it as passive aggression.
If a dance between the two individuals ensues (offer-refusal-repeat offer-repeat refusal…etc) then one or both actions are fake. —> What I want to say is that it is more of a ritualistic practice which symbolises courteousness on part of offerer of tea and a dignified potrayal on the part of the acceptor with absolutely no calculation in mind since it is more of a ritualistic action.
But thanks anyway since I never knew such innocuous statements could trigger defense or offense responses.Also maybe some people with a meaner outlook may actually be involved in passive agression.
I feel sad because I feel restricted and not trusted upon.
Now, how did I miss this post….and even more surprising – how did I come across it while searching for “banana”!!!
Whatever be the reason, loved this post – have done a lot of research about P/a because a close relative is a classic example of it. I realised early on, that I couldnt change the person nor could I keep getting manipulated or angry about it – the only thing I could do was to make sure I controlled what was mine to control – that is my reaction. Sadly, this has also meant distance,but it works best for all concerned….
Thanks for that insightful post!
This was a good one Bee – I missed reading this one bfore and got to know thanks to some “recent happening” in the blog-o-sphere thats happening – esp today
I have been surrounded by many such pathetic ppl – I have been direct and that only made me a “snob” “obnoxious” “not so elegant” types. Then when I was like 18, i played the same charade with them and suddenly I was this epitome of goodness, well mannered nonsense – I was like sick! I used to tell my mom – never feel bad that someone is not giving goodnames – cos sometimes its not worth being “upto” their mark!!
Now I distance myself away from such ppl – yes I am called now asaperson with attitude – but i dont care a damn – i have my own life to lead -minus charades or as u say passive aggresion – thanks!
Now in blogging too – I have come acrossmore n more ppl this way!! It never ceases to amaze me! I like directness – all I see is bitching at the back but praises in front attitude !
This is a wonderful post, helpful in so many ways. I’m helping my daughter prepare for her wedding and am dealing with issues with family members.
Only thing is, you have confused Passive Aggressive with Covert Aggressive. PAs are usually the non-cooperative ones. They will not attack you, but will refuse to cooperate in ways you cannot pinpoint, such as not completing work on time, deliberately missing details / instructions, etc.
Covert Aggressives actually attack with the intent to manipulate and show you down. Its the covert aggressives who are also manipulative.
Perhaps there are more than two types of aggressiveness.
…as seen from your post Bob. Or, passive aggressiveness can also include telling someone they are confused.
BTW: Thanks for the book recommendation.
Additionally, there are many tactics covert aggressives use in the case of a direct attack. They turn things against you, making you and feel like you are the aggressor. Gaslighting is also another known weapon in their armory, where they switch things around when you are not looking, and you almost feel like you are going crazy. They are generally good at playing mind games.
Sometimes too passive aggressive people use words like additionally as if the original post was not complete or needed to be supplemented.
Wonderful article! I know people who will ask “Do you want to eat something?” when others are not around, and I always answer “No”, and then later on, on another occasion, when there are others present, they will say “You didn’t have anything last time, you must have some tea today”, with an injured expression, when both I and they know fully well that they had no intention of serving you anything last time. In fact, the table would have been laid for lunch (or dinner) and they already had two hours’ notice of my plans to visit them, at which time no invitations to lunch (or dinner)were issued, so I made other plans for lunch. I have to read this book, so I will have a better way of dealing with this. At present, all I do is distance myself and just make the courtesy calls and make the appropriate noises when I visit.