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Cooking and Chromosomes
March 28, 2007 |
A couple of days ago, after my Sweet Potato post, a couple of friends remarked how lucky I was to have a partner who can cook.
It is true.
J bakes beautiful breads. Not only can he cook a wonderful meal, he lights candles for dinner and leaves the kitchen spotless after he’s done. I have been ill for the past few days, and he has made sure I have a hot bowl of rasam and ginger tea when I need it. I am truly fortunate, and those who pointed that out to me are absolutely right.
However, I do the same things for him, and no one ever tells him how lucky he is.
I’m quite used to this YASL (you-are-so-lucky) syndrome by now. It’s the assumption, made almost universally, that if people with a Y chromosome enter the kitchen, it’s cute and quirky. If those with two X chromosomes do, it’s part of the job description.
It’s like having the postwoman drop mail at your home. You think nothing of it - it’s like a woman in the kitchen. If she says she’s also a car mechanic and can replace your catalytic converter, that’s a talking point. Like a guy in the kitchen.
Cooking is not rocket science. I never really was into cooking. If I can cook, anyone can. That’s my theory, anyway. If we bring a dish to a dinner party, people automatically assume I prepared it. They often ask for the recipe. I tell them J prepared it. They say, “Jai cooks? You are so lucky.”
I am tempted to say, “I do as well, on a regular basis.”
That’s the occupational hazard of having two X chromosomes.
As Shirley Chisholm said, “The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: ‘It’s a girl’.”
Women, sadly, have internalised it to the same extent that men have. They don’t realise how counterproductive it is to their own wellbeing.
Mass advertising, which is the social thermometer of the culture it originates in, has a deep influence.
Growing up in India, most of the ads on TV were of neatly coiffeured women in starched and ironed sarees - sewing, doing laundry, and fixing their families meals in spotless homes. She would make sure her son (always a son) drank his Complan, and that his clothes were dazzling white for his next cricket match. Her life revolved around pleasing and catering to all the males in her world.
She’s the quintessential Indian woman. The plug-in in the family portal, that quietly does what it has to do. You notice it only when the code is corrupted and it doesn’t function quite right.
I would wonder why I didn’t have a mom like that. Her home was messy, and her job took her away for long hours.
I remember the time the Harpic toilet cleaner commercial came up on TV. There was this guy sitting on a couch with a smirk on his face, giving a running commentary on “my wife getting the toilet bowl clean”.
My mom remarked, “The scum in the toilet bowl is the least of that woman’s problems.”
I had a neighbour lady once say, “You poor thing. Your mom feeds you bread and leftovers. She doesn’t have time to cook for you.” My mom worked outside the home with a three-hour daily commute, my dad lived and worked in another city, and I never felt deprived of a good meal, until this lady brought it to my notice.
I felt a bit resentful of my mother when people said such things to me, until one Sunday my mom was browsing through her cookbooks to try a new dish. She had a copy of Meenakshi Ammal’s “Samaithu Paar” (Cook and See) written in the ’60s. I was 12 or 13, and started reading the introduction, where there was a full-fledged rant against “modern girls who hate to be seen in the kitchen and don’t like to cook”, or something to that effect. The word that jumped out at me was “girls“.
“Why isn’t she angry with boys who don’t cook?” I asked mom.
Mom said, “She resents the drudgery of her life as a woman tied to the kitchen, and envies those who exercise their choices. Don’t be forced into doing what you don’t like to do. It makes you bitter, like this lady.”
That’s when I realised why my neighbour lady resented my mom. She would boast of how “particular” her husband was - that he needed rotis just off the flame as he sat down for dinner. The morning’s rotis would not just do.
My mom, on the other hand, reheated and served food two days old from the refrigerator, ‘cos she had neither the inclination, nor the time to be June Cleaver. If anyone tried to stereotype her and limit her choices, she laughed and did what she wanted to do anyway.
Once, someone came to her to snitch on me. “Do you know what your daughter is doing? She’s playing cricket with the boys.”
My mom said, “You want to join them?”
That woman gave her the icy glare of death. Her innocent widdle teenage boy was part of the game, you see, and there was this corrupting influence in the form of a female in their midst.
The horror!!!!
She said, “You need to tell her to stop mingling with the boys so much. People will talk.”
The best way to set my mom off was to tell her what she “needed” to do. She said,
“I’m an adult. The only things I need to do are breathe, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, and pay my taxes. Everything else is optional.” That was the end of the matter.
Though she had zero tolerance for gender-based stereotyping, I could not escape the expectations of how women “ought to behave” outside the home. These are defined clearly and prominently in all our social interactions.
“All official institutions of language are repeating machines: school, sports, advertising, popular songs, news, all continually repeat the same structure, the same meaning, often the same words: the stereotype is a political fact, the major figure of ideology.” - Roland Barthes
When my parents passed away, I was completing my Masters, working full-time, getting used to living alone, and didn’t know how to boil water. I was managing fine on bread and jam, when one well-meaning family friend came to my home. She wanted my horoscope, to match it with that of some guy I had never met. As a single girl I was “not safe” and needed to be “married off”. She then told me, “You need to learn how to cook. It will help you get a husband.”
I wanted to repeat my mom’s dialogue about what was needed and what was optional. I said, instead, “Don’t worry. If I find a man, I’ll make sure he can cook for me.” The lady looked at me as if I needed medication, then went off wondering why she had even bothered trying to “help” me.
My life was complicated enough, and the last thing I needed was to add a Y Chromosome to the mix.
At the office cafeteria, there was this coffee machine. If it was empty, the guys would proclaim, “The coffee pot is empty”, and look at the girls. We with the X chromosomes are supposed to attend to these things, didn’t you know? It wasn’t part of our contract, so we ignored them - until one of them came to our table with the empty coffee pot.
Then, Jyotsna, who was the spunkiest woman around, said something that is not kosher to reproduce here. It had to do with coffee and impotence.
We never had a guy brandishing an empty coffee pot at us again.
Jyotsna was an inspiration. She was my boss’s secretary. She had a male boss, and fought hard to be transferred to a department with a female boss. She was tired of being treated as his maid.
Jyotsna was newly married, and her Maharashtrian mom-in-law decided to “teach” her to make puran polis as part of some festival tradition. Jyotsna didn’t have a very sweet tooth, and had no desire to listen to her mother-in-law prattle for four hours about puran polis on her weekly day off. She sent her husband to her mom-in-law’s place to assist her, and spent her Sunday at home. Her mother-in-law called her, all irate, wanting to know why she doesn’t want to learn to make her husband’s favourite dish.
Jyotsna calmly told her MIL to give her son the recipe since he’s the one who loves the dish, and it’s his tradition that will be perpetuated. The next day, Jyotsna brought puran polis to work. I asked her if her husband had prepared them. She laughed and said, “Of course not. His mom does not want her son to sully his hands in the kitchen. He watched TV, while she made all the polis.”
Her MIL couldn’t “get” why Jyotsna wasn’t tripping all over herself to make a trek on a Sunday to learn her husband’s favourite dish. Isn’t that what all newly-wed women do? Jyotsna, on the other hand figured, that since her husband’s hands are not broken, and he has a fully functioning brain, he’ll learn to prepare something if he likes it.
She rightly discerned that this was not about a recipe or a tradition. This was about control and reinforcing gender roles in that family.
In a lot of families, especially in India, it is assumed that once a guy gets married, he has just secured himself a short-order chef. The kitchen is the new bride’s domain, and she has to do her level best to ‘please’ the in-laws and show them she is a good cook and incubator for the family. No one asks her permission before thrusting these responsibilities upon her. It’s a given.
I have seldom seen a post by a guy on the internet saying how nervous he was cooking his first meal for his in-laws.
I thought this was an exclusively desi thing, until I went to university in England. One of my dorm mates moved out claiming that she had found a bigger room in an independent house down the road. The house had four guys - two German and two British - and everyone shared a kitchen.
A week later she was back at our dorm. These guys, who had been cooking and doing their dishes without a hitch until then, decided that they no longer needed to do these chores since there was a little female minion in the vicinity. The dishes in the sink piled up to the ceiling, they were helping themselves to her food, and she finally had enough.
There is a global assumption that when a male enters the kitchen for the first time, his cerebral circuitry gets fused and the hand muscles are rendered useless. The poor dahlings are so overwhelmed without mama to cook their dinner and pick up their dirty socks. Google “bachelor cookbook” There are hundreds of them.
Try “bachelorette” and “cookbook” Two hits.
Now, if women are ‘naturals’ at cooking, as we are given to believe, how many female three-star Michelin chefs do we have? One.
How many of the top ten winners in the British Curry Awards 2005 and 2006 were women? Zero.
It’s clear. Women are expected to assume the role of the assigned cooks in most families, but in the competitive culinary universe where the power and money lies, it is the men who rule the roost.
Try being a successful woman in a male-dominated field like technology. Kathy Sierra, an icon in the technology blogging world, has suspended her blog after being threatened with bodily harm and violence.
“If you want to do something about it, do not tolerate the kind of abuse that includes threats or even suggestions of violence (especially sexual violence). Do not put these people on a pedestal. Do not let them get away with calling this “social commentary”, “protected speech”, or simply “criticism”,” she said on her blog.
…….
Robert Scoble, author of popular technology blog Scobleizer, condemned the campaign against her.
“It’s this culture of attacking women that has especially got to stop. I really don’t care if you attack me. I take those attacks in my stride. But, whenever I post a video of a female technologist there invariably are snide remarks about body parts and other things that simply wouldn’t happen if the interviewee were a man,” he said.
It’s as Naomi Weisstein put it: “A typical minority-group stereotype - woman as nigger - if she knows her place (home), she is really a quite lovable, loving creature, happy and childlike.”
If she chooses to step out, we’ll tolerate her as long as she makes up for a shortage of labour in the work force, and does not have too many expectations. If she tries to set down her terms, she needs to be put in her place again - barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
Watch North Country, the movie about the first female miners in a small community in Minnesota. It is a true tale, and will help you realise the level of antagonism to the idea of granting equal rights to women. It shows you how women try to pull other women down, and buy into the construct of how a woman “ought to be”, until they can take no more. By then, the rules often have been changed, and it’s an unfamiliar playing field all over again.
When someone tells me I’m lucky to have J, I agree.
I’m fortunate I found him when I did, and not when I am 70. However, the fact remains, I refuse to settle for less. He’s equally lucky to have me. It’s what many women and men do everywhere for their partners.
I refuse to validate stereotypes.
J tells me each day how fortunate he is to have me. I wish more men and women would acknowledge that it’s not only women who should feel “lucky”.
- Bee
___________________________________
Where bias begins: the truth about stereotypes
Children’s books that break gender role stereotypes.
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chromosomes, cooking, gender, MUSINGS, stereotypes
very well written post Bee..and I agree thats why a couple is called a Partner..Partner in life, happiness, sadness and Kitchen too
Dear Bee,
Hugs for this post. You’ve conveyed all that women all over the world feel.
Very few with Y chromosome hit the kitchen on their own volition and are proud of the same. They might do it if they have to (like when there’s nobody else to cook), but most men, if they ever do it to help out a lady, make a huge deal out of it! I know this cpl, both of whom are good friends of mine-they work in the same university, get back home at the same time and there you are! Wifey is in the kitchen making chai-nashta followed by dinner, plus taking care of the child and hubby, oh well-he’s got important stuff like watching TV! He doesn’t even help her in doing the dishes.
I may be wrong, and am willing to be corrected-but in my limited experience with visiting food blogs, i rarely see male commenters/blogger-they are there, but rare.
Thanks for writing this post. Jai is lucky
Bee, Is there an emoticon here for clapping? You have shared some of the incidents mentioned here with me before still I agree with each and every sentence of your post.
I started questioning it more after having my daughter and when we went to Kerala everyone praised my husband for changing our daughter’s diapers successfully. They complimented me for having a helping husband. These women have two or three maids to take care of every single work at home and after having the baby all they do is breastfeed while rest of the women in the family takes care of the baby. The scenario is completely different here and still men get all the praise.
No one appreciated me for going through painful labor or waking up at all odd hours for feeding or running to change diaper while having food or…….the list is long. My husband changed one diaper and he was elevated to the status of ‘Dharmatma’:):). My husband just smiled at them at said well, she is my daughter too.
Bee, In my rambling
I forgot to mention one important thing. Jai is lucky.
Excellent post Bee, you’ve spoken eloquently for many women who suffer in silence. The sterotype of where a woman’s place is, is reinforced when as children they are given dolls and doll houses complete with their miniture teacup and saucer sets, stoves and the like. The boys are given the toy guns and games where they have to use their intellect.
As women we often talk about gender rights and equality but we have to also accept responsibility for the messages we continue to construct and the actions we demonstrate (especially mothers) to the male child that says he is superior, more is expected of him and so he has to be accorded certain rights and privileges. The world needs more women like your mother (bless her soul) and Jyotsna who are not afraid the challenge the status quo, who are willing to stand up for theirs and other peoples rights without fear of being shunned,victimized or ridiculed.
Bee I’ve got to tell you this. A few minutes ago I received an email from a regular reader of my blog and column, he is from Kerala but lives in Singapore (not that that should matter, what should, is that it’s a male).
I explained to him that I had not communicated with him for the past few days because I have been busy with work - grading assignments and getting ready for end of semester exam. His response is: “Oh you teach, great. What do you teach, Home Economics?” Aarrrrggghh! Why, why, why? is it because I am a woman and I write about food?
…ask him whether he is a paddy farmer -bee
A lot of interesting thoughts here, Bee. And very well-expressed.
I hope you’re feeling better and rested.
A marriage is a partnership. There are some things you do together, some things you do alone. Some things you do grudgingly and some things you do willingly. Who is luckier? In my case, it’s definitely me. And I don’t have qualms about saying it. His life would have been easier and far less complicated if he had married someone else. A lot less exciting but much simpler nevertheless.
But he disagrees. He thinks he is luckier. In the ultimate analysis, we are both very lucky to have each other and to share the kind of deep friendship and understanding we do. This ‘lucky’ business does not matter.
I read about your friend Jyotsna with a lot of interest. In doing what she did, I think she did subscribe to a stereotype: the feminist working woman who threw off the apron.
Quite frankly, I would give my right arm to have my m-i-l teach me some of the stuff she makes that my husband likes so much. I know my husband does not like to cook and I don’t think it is a big deal for me to learn how to make something he likes. It gives him pleasure. It gives me pleasure. I seriously don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Just like how he goes out of his way to do things that make me happy, that I wouldn’t do for myself. It’s mutual and it’s also healthy.
I don’t know how to put this any better but here goes: someone may be trying to “enforce gender roles” on you but the only time you are a loser is when you subscribe to them and give in to the pressure. Me? I’d go to the m-i-l’s and come away richer for the experience and the knowledge. The extra stuff? I don’t have to accept it and I’d let it deflect off me without affecting me. I might be angry but it would remain the other woman’s problem and I wouldn’t let her make it mine.
I don’t subscribe to gender roles or stereotypes, either. I do what feels right for me, for my husband and for my child. We’re a family and we share a deep bond. There is always a healthy amount of give and take. Start attribute gender roles or stereotypes to relationships, especially to exchanges between a husband and wife, and the seeds of resentment and discontent are being sown right there.
see, manisha, with me (and i guess with jyotsna) it’s like this. if someone says, “i’m making puran polis. would you like to join me?” if i’m free, i’ll say, “sure”.
if someone tells me “you NEED to learn to make puran polis because it’s our family tradition”, i’ll tell them, “it’s my family tradition to laze around in pajamas at home on a sunday. sorry, i can’t make it.”
i hate being pigeonholed.
- bee
If I may say so, one of the best writes on Jugalbandi so far! Truly heartfelt post…Someone close to both DH and me was shocked that I actually cook 3 meals a day…and was wondering how a gal like me can succumb to the kitchen like this…in fact DH is most ready to help me when I need his assistance (he by himself cannot start up on anything) and his is most happy to order out if I am feeling the least bit bored to cook…SO i just told our friend that I cook because I like to..sometimes even if DH asks to order out, I say, i’ll rustle up something quick…
Ultimately each one of us is doing what makes us happy!
Hugs to you!
If my partner were a kitchen-friendly person, would dish out super meals for me, that would be wonderful, but this kind of partnership isn’t too bad either, I cook and he eats
You both are lucky
Well written! I can identify with what you’ve said.
Jai is a really lucky guy to have a wonderful gal like you sweetie. This was a great post and made me smile. I do hope you get well soon and send you a huge hug for a speedy recovery!
My two-penny’s worth:
One should be able to do what feels right - that is freedom. If you really want to be the alpha cook, that’s fine. If your husband can share, that is very fine too.
In our family, my husband doesn’t like to cook. At all. But he can cook. He can make good phulkas, and great aloo paranthas too. But he doesn’t enjoy cooking while I do. He’s ready to help if I need it, and happy to eat reheated food from two days ago, or make a meal of bread and butter whenever I’m not inclined to cook.
He helps with all the other house work - toilet cleaning is totally his job. There are too many jobs around the house, and cooking is amongst the best to opt for. He feels forever grateful and, in lieu, I get him to do an unfair share! He appreciates every meal, everyday. And I believe he is sincere in his praise.
So I cook away, while he does the taxes. I’m not complaining. In fact, I tend to use the kitchen work like trump card to get out of a lot of things I don’t want to do. (He can see through it)
It is only later that we realise that we should have cooked a bit more with the MIL. When we are young, it seems more important to define what we shouldn’t do instead of thinking about what we could. Been there. I’m glad I helped her occasionally with the puran polis
I didn’t at all with the gur polis 
So, no gur poli for us now, ever.
My husband knows he’s lucky…and I’m very lucky too! But my friend’s husband is the luckiest: he does the cooking and she does the dishes! Now, if I could be in his shoes
!
Bee, a great topic…
I am married to a guy who cooks too, and he cleans and does the laundry and loads the dishwasher and everything… I am the de facto cook in my house, totally by my own choice, but he is the one that cleans up after me and cooks up a special meal whenever I am not in the mood. He doesn’t expect me to do any of the wifely things, the same way I don’t expect him to be the man of the house. I don’t expect him to take my car for service or take me shopping or do the taxes (oh that reminds me, have to do taxes this weekendïŒ).
Lot of people tell me I am so lucky, and I think I am lucky too, because I am in a relationship without expectations where two partners take care of each other, not because I found a guy who does chores around the house. And people tell him he is lucky, because he gets to be outside the house the whole day playing cricket, and he can stay out as long as he likes, because his wife has a life! He tells me he is lucky everyday, he has his own reasons
Having said all this, I know a lot of perfectly happy households where there are gender specific roles assigned to the man and the woman, and it works for them. I think finally what defines a great relationship is completely up to the two people involved.
Gender issues in the workplace is totally a different topic, I am in an industry which is so male dominated, especially in my specific role - women are not born to code ïŠâ€¦ Everyday I meet a new guy who comes in with the assumption that I’m a girl so I’m not smart enough, and I have to prove him wrong before I can get my point across, it is so unfair!
BTW, hope you are feeling better … Hot rasam and ginger tea sure makes it a little fun to be sick… you both are lucky to have found each other.
Very well expressed, Bee! I *do* have a Y chromosome in my house that’s good with the laundry, but is messy in the kitchen, but I suppose we both feel lucky for the complementary roles. Have never learned anything from the MIL in the kitchen, but oh yes, there have been issues about control and reinforcing gender roles with regards to cleaning. When will people learn? If she had any self-respect, she’d realise how ridiculous she sounds trying to tell me how a woman/mother should behave.
[...] Original post by jaibee [...]
What a brilliantly eloquent post, Bee! I’m so happy that you and J have each other. One point in your post made my heart grow cold - that both your parents passed away when you were doing your Masters. That must have been a terribly traumatic time. My dad passed away when I was 17 and that was bad enough. You have my deepest sympathies (in retrospect) *hugs*
Anyway… my XX chromosomes must have mutated since birth, because they love the kitchen but hate anything else to do with household chores.
My acquired Y chromosome, on the other hand, is happy to do vacuum, clean the house etc. I’m lucky to have him and yes, he’s lucky to have me too. 
PS. Hope you’re ok now!
In my home, it is the opposite: people are always saying to V, “you are so lucky to have her, she loves to cook”, but no one says to me, “you are so lucky to have V, he does way more than his fair share of housework”! It is because my cooking makes for a more prominent role than his behind-the-scenes vacuuming and mopping and dog-rearing.
Wohoo… I loved reading this bee.
Since I was 16, I was away from home staying at hostel for my graduation and PG. those days I never gave any importance for cooking and my mom nor anyone in my family forced me to learn cooking. My amma has this policy; don’t force anyone to do something which they don’t want to. By the time I finished my PG I got married and moved to different country. My initial days at MIL’s place (now my home) were very pleasant. In fact my MIL taught my hubby his fav food to cook. First thing she told me was not to lose my identity and change because someone forced me to.
When I came here it was my hubby who taught me to cook. I couldn’t distinguish one dal from another. Even now I believe I am in the learning curve and each day I learn something or the other from my hubby dear who is an excellent cook. There are so many instances when I feel lazy to enter the kitchen. That time I don’t have to worry thinking my husband is gonna come with a pistol. He just walks into the kitchen and cooks up yummy meal. We both work in a same office and go and come back together. Then I sit with my laptop to check my blog and he makes cup of coffee for us. By the time I finish browsing, we both work together in kitchen. We enjoy doing things together, be it cooking, watching TV or any small things.
Most of the times we get to hear from our friends and family how we both compliment one another. I feel proud about that fact and feel very lucky that he is my life partner. The same thing goes to him too. There is not a single day where he hasn’t told me how lucky he is to have me in his life and that’s what matters to me. I have seen people where wife is slogging in kitchen and office and husband is a big couch potato.
So I guess it’s all to do with people’s mentality. Some men feel proud of the fact that they never even boiled water in their life and thank god my family and husband don’t fall into that category. I am happy to say that I am really lucky to have my hubby who cooks, does laundry, cleans the house, keeps my kitchen spotless, pampers me with head massage and he is the best dish washer;)
And Jai and Bee, u both r lucky to have one another.
and get well soon girl… looking forward to many more posts like this which makes me stop for a while and think:) hugs to u:)
very well put post, bee.
I’m with manisha on this one, about not subscribing to gender roles and stereotypes. I feel we know each other well, sometimes he knows me better than I know myself
Anyway, out here most of my friend’s ‘him’ do a lot of work at home and help each other, bar a couple of them, so nobody really cares about gender roles. I faced some peculiar situations when someone visited from back home. After dinner if he starts picking up the plate, they will run to grab it from him saying ‘you must be so tired’ not realizing we both just came back from an 8hr job. I feel bad sometimes, but he always tells me that we don’t have to justify anything to anyone as long as we are happy together and understand each other.
As for learning ‘his’ traditions etc I’m more than willing to do it only because it gives ‘me’ a lot of joy to do it for him, he’s done far more for me. At work, I like to keep away from the types that just suck out your energy trying to justify. As someone rightly said ‘ you don’t have to attend every argument that you are invited to’.
You are lucky to have found each other.
Thanks for a beautiful post.
What a wonderful, eloquent post. And to write it while you’re sick amazes me!
Great discussion X’s and Y’s (BTW, where are you Y’s - maybe it is WCC !). If I may summarize B’s thoughts as I see it - it’s not what the particular X and Y think or say about each other. Heck I think B is being generous when she says that I say how lucky I am on a daily basis. The real point is, if a Z comes along and says what X should or should not do (and in addition, it is more than likely that a Z “never” tells a Y what he should or should not do). If X and Y had a bone of contention then its up to them to sort it out and also its up to them to divvy up the chores (and by chore I mean something that is repetitive - because it is the repetition that kills the fun in most things). If there is a problem right there then there is no point in being together, is there? There is give and take, sharing and caring, snoring and adoring, peaches ‘n’ cream and preaches ‘n’ screams…all of that is part of the territory.
–Jai
ps: BTW, tx Anita and Sig ==> B will do the taxes this WE and I will help when I can
pps: while I am at it, I am going to join the stay at home hubbies association (yes there are many !)
Hi Bee,when my kids do well,ppl automatically always say they are like their dad!! It’s me who taught them,feed them,teach them manners and basically a primary carer but all the accolades goes to him bcos he is a successful Doctor!!!
They are always surprised to hear that I am a college graduate and went to Law school!!That’s life for ya!!;D
I think they all the husbands are lucky to have us,but not all husbands cook.Mine does most house work without a peep if I ask him except cooking!:)) I don’t mind,he works hard for us and I don’t expect him to do my job as well.
Don’t worry,you are a witty and great gal,he is VERY VERY lucky to have you.Hugs.
Hey Bee
Whoa! So well said and just made me go “Gee, she just took the words out of my mouth!”.
I really dont have anything else to comment, so all I can say is thanks for this heartfelt post.
–altoid
i’m so proud that i have a friend that thinks & writes like this. best post of jugalbandi.
HEAR,HEAR!!!! Good Gal!! that is one amazing post!
During the growing up years, I never once remember my Mum or Dad (for that matter) ever saying, ‘learn cooking… it will help in getting married..’ …neither does my DH ever make any demands of me!! We are a team, and i’m glad he helps me out with other chores like laundry, ironing.. and hey, plus the fact that he pays the taxes!!! That I cook now, is purely for my… I mean OUR happiness, and glad i do a fairly ok job of it!!
So all those who have great parents and a supporting Hubby…. three rousing Cheers!!!
And as for us… we wonderful ladies, pat on the back!!
Here’s hoping that all couples remember and acknowledge that they r lucky to have each other and plan to keep it that way!
Take care Bee, get well soon…. look fwd to some more thought provoking posts!!
Here is the other end of the spectrum. How many times have you waited at the office water cooler, for your male colleague to show up, so that he can replace the now emptied water bucket? How many times have you walked to that same cooler with your male colleague, and calmly waited till he replaced the bucket?
Bee, I had a lot of thoughts on your post and as I went on typing, I realised, it was just too long. So, I put it in as post here. Very thought provoking post, Bee. Looking forward to more from you.
Hey Bee
Enjoyed your post and comments. Love comments like this
I agree with Manisha when she says not subscribing to be stereotyped.
My hubby D cooks really well as I have already mentioned and cleans up too after cooking…and no one has problems with it including the parents, but you are right, that even when he cooks just one dish — all the friends swoon over the fact to the point I get irritated and tell him instead of cooking, he better do all the “back office err kitchen” work
But I think the X chromosomes are really lucky in some way as they have a lot of choice. In my example I wanted to take a break after my daughter was born and I was really glad I could do that. Glad that we didn’t have a fight as to who would be the “lucky one” that gets to stay home and have fun an issue that would have surely stormed the household if I had a Y chromosome.
But on the aside — I do crib about how the females suffer and are expected to do more, at work and home and etc. etc.
sandeepa, i know two instances of women who went back to work outside the home, with the man staying back to raise the kids. men too have that option. - bee
Of course men have that option. And I know two Indian men who stayed home to raise their children. One is in my immediate family. Another Indian man I know is trying desperately to do the same thing but I won’t let him. If I do, I will work from home whereas he will just be at home! Besides, I don’t want to drive all the time.
My neighbor (American) is also a stay-at-home Dad. There are several more in Medha’s school. It’s a personal choice and usually a joint decision made by the couple, not just the man.
When my mother had a pathological hip fracture followed by a total hip replacement, my brand-new brother-in-law, who worked from home, moved into our home to care for my mother so that I could continue with my Masters and so that my sister’s career in the then coveted TAS was not jeopardized. He faced a lot of criticism from his relatives for ‘abandoning’ his mother, who had a husband, another son and a d-i-l at home.
Vee’s post is really super, too!
Also, Bee, if the problem is how one is asked/invited, then it’s not difficult to rise above that and gain from the benefits of the exchange. If there are never any benefits or the benefits far outweigh the heartache, then that’s another story. This applies to not just women but men, too.
Well said! Lots of life’s little lessons in there.
Good wishes!
Smita
That should have been heartache far outweighs the benefits…sorry!
Didn’t know you were under the weather Bee, get well soon. Jai, make her some soup:)
no, jai, make her some chocolate cake. - bee
Whoa…I missed so much while I was gone…what a thought-provoking post Jai & Bee.
Your blog name said it all the fateful day I came across “Jugalbandi”. It showed me that husbands and wives can and do have equal roles in the home or elsewhere. The fact that you two cook together doesn’t raise any eyebrows from me…you are indeed a team,and it shows from your posts.
About gender stereotyping and such, I could write a paper on this. I don’t want to get into this at the moment…
Fursat se, Kabhi.
Beautiful post as always, Bee..Before I forget to say it, “GET WELL SOON”..I too used to think a lot about gender biase and still think about it..Here are a few thoughts:
1. Why is it not so cool if girls whistle?
2. Why was I asked on weekends if I was cooking anything? Why can’t I enjoy with my friends?
3. Why was I compared with people who took more interests in cooking, but were not slogging as much as me in college?
4. Why would everyone ask me after graduation about plans for getting married? Why didn’t anyone enquire if I was interested in studying further?
5. Why was I always asked the damn question “Tula jevan banavta yeta ka (Can you cook food?)” when any proposal came to meet me for arranged marriage? I would fume on hearing this question..I mean I was equal in degree, earning similar to what the guy was earning..then why this question..What would have happnd if I asked the same question to the guy?:)
Why is so much expected out of women? And why do people make a big deal out of what they can’t do? To tell you the truth, I was a total duffer in cooking..And when I told this to people, they would get shocked..especially girls..Girls used to make fun of me..But, for me knowing something is not that important..Your willingness to learn is most important..Before my marriage, my dad had jokingly told my hubby that I can’t cook anything..And my hubby had replied that I was a determined girl..I would learn it..A few days back, my dad told his SIL how true he was..
I learnt cooking only for my husband..My cooking improved the day I took active interest in it..Today, it is my passion..My husband proudly tells everyone how lucky he is to have me..He helps me in whatever way he can - be it help in the kitchen or spending those extra dollars for participation in all the blog events..He loves to cook too..We are lucky to have each other..Touchwood!
And so are you and Jai..Touchwood again!:)
Luv and blessings,
Swaps
Bee and Medha
I am NOT saying men do not have that option and there are dads staying at home and taking care of the kids.
What I am saying is, in a middle class family of X and Y, where neither of them are earning millions and their salaries are akin to each others, if both X and Y want to stay at home and take care of the baby and X says “I want to stay home and be with the baby and have funs seeing her grow up” while Y says “I want to be home with the baby” who do you think gets the privilege ?
Note, no pressure here and X really wants to chuck up her job to be home while Y wants to be home too but someone has to earn.
I think in most cases its the Mother who gets the advantage while the Dad goes to work disgruntled. What do you think ?
This is just an example, no connection to real life
sandeepa, it’s true in the majority of cases, the woman gets to leave her job. partly becaue of social expectations (men at home ar not regarded very favourably), and partly because it’s often the man who earns more.
Great post Bee.
I also think that the conditioning in these gender specific roles begin quite early. The instances are there everywhere from toys to ads to books about how to be a good housewife.
That being said, I know several men in my family who cook, Aswin cooks so does my father, father-in-law and brother in law. But it’s really not just about cooking, it’s about responsibilities and partnerships which make marriages or even families work.
I cannot imagine myself in “can you cook” roles anyway. Infact, my in-laws had invited me to a home cooked dinner the first time I met them.
He! he! Sandeepa, Medha on your mind?
The Dad who stayed home to raise the kid in our family did so out of financial considerations. My neighbor’s son was beaten up in day-care by other boys, so they took a family decision and he quit his teaching job to stay at home since his wife brings home far more money. He is an artist so he still gets to work from home. The other Indian Dad was done with his wild ride in the world of finance while his wife’s career was just taking off. He chose to stay home to enjoy his children and his wife brings in the bucks.
I don’t know that most men are unhappy about going to work and would rather stay at home to raise the child. If they are, it’s probably because they are not aware of everything else that goes with staying at home.
Manisha — Medha’s Mom
You are right in your last para you know.
When I was on a break and D kept on telling me “You are having so much more fun, I don’t get to do this” I knew it was a sham
but was anyway glad that he didn’t really want to reverse the roles. Am I falling into a sterotype, taking it for granted that the men should go to work while women get the choice ? I am getting confused now but I think thats the age old role etched somewhere in my mind
Bee, Great post! Loved it! Good thoughts!
On the day of our marriage, when we were on the dias greeting everybody after lunch, couple of my close hostel friends without me hearing told my husband “how lucky he is to get a girl like me”. Actually 3 of them said this in a row and my darling husband thot I am kind of “arranging” this and so he went and told his friends who were somewhere there and they all made me sit down after the function and each one made a fictional story and told me “how lucky im to get him” hehehehe. Some even pretended crying while narrating my husbands bravery, love, care etc. I had no clue this guy of mine pulled that one on me. :):). We had an arranged marriage.
My mom never let us cook at home. Tho’ she used to say everything else about how to become a nice girl in society, she never let us do cooking. My mom thot thats the worst chore a woman can do and so she didnt want her daughter do that before her marriage. Even now, my mom wont let me cook or when I ask for complicated recipes, she would say. You just take rest, you need not cook that. Even tho my mom is a stay at home mom, i think she the ultimate version of feminist thots :). But my mom would do everything, like a maid. But she didnt want her daughter to.
. We women are much much wiser. We keep the society moving. We keep a society together. If men had their way, they would have destroyed this World. We women should realise that, we need not become men, to be equal. I think western feminism tried to become like a man and they failed. We Asian women have been doing a lot of work behind the scences like we have been making our men do all the menial work 
without them knowing that. 
That way I dont mind the gender roles. I would hate it if someone asks me to change the tires. Please bee, dont give them ideas.
I actually feel sand and angry she didnt teach me cooking. Mom doest realise she is not sharing with her traditional knowledge. I love cooking so much especially traditional cooking. I learned a lot actually from my m-il who is a wonderful cook.
I feel women need to share this knowledge so that we can keep this tradition alive. Men too can, but I do feel women if you look at any society keeps traditions alive more than men. Men are a bunch of undomesticated monkeys drinking,
pissing, eating. hehehehe
btw, plant ginger with the nodes up.cover completely with soil. oh i let my man do all the hard work like working with the soil etc. i just take pictures
hehehe.
I am a single male, and about 5 years back I would have wholeheartedly agreed to whatever you have written. However experience has taught me that females uses feminism as a handy convinient tool for opprtunism to have the best of both worlds. In short start working when housework gets boring and decide to be a housewife when the professional world gets too tough.
They mostly want to have a career as a choice (the key word here)with the safety net of a man’s fianancial security to fall back upon.Heaven help the man who decides to exercise his choice to be a “house husband” since his wife is working. Talking about stereotypes as someone said ” A woman in a mam’s world might be progressive , but a man in a woman’s world is pathetic”. And no one is more willing to reenforce this than women.
After all everyone wants to have the best of both worlds, but then let us be less hypocritical about it.
agree with you. however, i personally do not consider a man in a woman’s world ‘pathetic’. - b.
Bee and SSG,
I have seen this happen with a distant relation of ours. The husband does not work. He does not like to work. He took voluntary retirement at age 45 and now sits at home. His wife works and they have a 13 year old daughter to care for and educate. This guy is an amazing cook and does all the cooking for the family. Basically, the roles are reversed.
Do you think people praise him for being a good home-maker? Do you think his wife is happy? Do you think the daughter is proud of her dad? no no and no! People say he should be ashamed of himelf for sitting at home while his wife works. His wife hopes, that some day her husband will have the sense to start working and the daughter is now ashamed to talk about her father with her friends…what if someone asks where he works.
As much as I would like the society to accept the man’s decision to be the home-maker, it is true that a man in a woman’s world is pathetic.
Lovely post! It has set me thinking.
Once P and me got into this and then he asked, “If being with a man makes you women sad then where does the happiness come from?” I have been thinking about the happiness since then.
[...] Bee’s Cooking and Chromosomes and Anita’s reply reminded me of a much repeated exchange whenever we are going out to shop for essentials. [...]
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